Does online dating suck? Kinda. I mean, all dating sucks. The sheer act of putting yourself out there, hoping that you’ll find “your person,” is stressful, a little time-consuming, and often
bumpier than a bike ride on a cobblestone road. Now add the internet, swiping, and a bunch of companies that are more interested in making a profit than helping you find love, and it’s enough to make you seriously consider taking up residency in a lighthouse at the edge of the sea.
Now that I’ve thoroughly depressed you, let’s talk about the reality of online dating and how to use it to your benefit instead of it using you up and leaving you feeling drained.
Forget the Marketing, Focus on the Goal
Dating sites and apps like Match, Tinder, eHarmony, Hinge, Bumble, and even niche sites like ChristianMingle and JDate make it sound like online dating sites are the romantic equivalent of an all-you-can-eat buffet. Come on in, grab a plate, and feast on the endless options laid out before you. Let’s be honest. That’s just absolutely garbage. It’s not only not how dating apps work, but it’s also not how attraction and compatibility work.
Most people aren’t right for each other. I’m not saying you only get one true love. That’s fairy tale stuff. I’m saying that most people mix like oil and water. If compatibility were simple, there would be no need for dating apps, because no one would be single.
When you boil it down, a dating app is just a pile of bodies and a tool to help you sort through them. There is no guarantee you’ll find the person you want to be with today, and there’s no guarantee the person you want is looking for someone like you. That is just the basic reality of dating. That doesn’t mean it is hopeless. If I was able to meet my wife online, I promise you that it is possible for literally anyone. You just have to know what you want, focus on your goal, and avoid letting the dating sites take control over the process.
When you know what you want and establish your relationship goals, you can shift away from the “numbers game” mentality that burns you out while making tons of money for the large corporations that own the dating apps. If you just reach out blindly, hoping that one of the frogs will eventually be your prince or princess, all you’ll end up with is warts. Before you get started, take some time to think about what you want in a partner and the type of relationship you are looking for. Once you start searching and swiping, you need the restraint to not “like”, message, or swipe on people who don’t fit your goals.
If you revert to the numbers game mentality, you are just racing against the clock to see if you will find what you want before you burn out. If you start to feel frustrated and get tempted to focus more on “getting traction” than connecting with the people you actually want to meet, it is time to take a break. Give yourself a week or two to live your life, focus on things that make you happy, and come back when your batteries have had a chance to recharge. Despite the fact that dating apps make you feel you need to keep grinding, or you’ll miss your shot, you can step away for a while, and the dating apps will still be there, filled with potential matches, whenever you are ready to return.
The Ice Cream Hypothesis: Why Dating Apps Burn You Out
One of the big terms dating companies use to describe dating sites and apps is “user engagement engine.” You have to remember that while dating apps are an excellent tool for finding your next great love, they are also profit-seeking endeavors created by publicly traded corporations. You are the user, but from the perspective of the investor, you are also part of the product. You are the thing that helps drive the profits, creating their dividends. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t use online dating sites; it just means you need to know how to use them so that they are your tool, and you don’t become a tool for their profit.
The term “user engagement engine” is exactly what it sounds like. Dating apps are designed to suck you in, keep you scrolling, messaging, and engaging. The longer you spend on a dating app, the more opportunities you create to generate profit for the corporation that owns it.
So, what does this have to do with ice cream? Dating sites are designed to make you feel that logging off could mean missing out on someone amazing who is just a couple more swipes away. It is a potent blend of hope and anxiety that can be more addictive than a bottomless bowl of cookies and cream. The problem is that the longer you use a dating app in a single visit, the less useful and healthy it is for you.
Imagine you’re eating ice cream right out of the pint. The first spoonful is delicious, and the second and third are equally great. But once you get to the seventh or eighth spoonful, your tongue is numb, and you are missing out on all the subtle flavors that make it great. Instead, you just get the feeling of cold and sweet as your hand moves the spoon mindlessly back and forth from your mouth to the pint. Dating apps want you to spend as much time as possible each time you log in to their sites. Your mindless swiping makes them money, but it costs you something bigger. The longer you spend on an individual dating site visit, the greater chance you’ll pass over the right people because they’ve all started to blend together, choose the wrong people out of frustration, and hasten the onset of burnout from the sheer amount of time you’ve spent.
It sounds crazy, but one of the best ways to improve your online dating success is to do it a little bit less. I don’t care how you do it. You can set a timer on your phone or set an arbitrary number of profiles that you are going to look at, but when the alarm buzzes, or you hit the end of your countdown, log out and move on to the other parts of your life that need attention today. You will not miss out on the love of your life. They will be here for you tomorrow.
Effort Makes the Difference in Online Dating
It sounds like something your teachers said to you in school, but it’s true. You don’t have to be the best at something, but you do have to put in good effort. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen a lot of bad profiles from people putting in a ton of effort, but I’ve seen tens of thousands of profiles from people who are failing at online dating because they aren’t.
There are lots of reasons why people don’t put in the effort. Sometimes they are nervous and they don’t know what to do. Sometimes they have become a little jaded after a bad experience, and they don’t feel like the effort is worth the result they’ve been seeing. Sometimes it’s as simple as someone thinking they’ll just put up a couple of photos on Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, or Match to see what comes to them. It’s like trying to fish without any bait on the hook.
Not putting in the effort on your pics and profile can be just as bad as trying really hard and doing everything wrong. Both methods lead to frustration, burnout, and usually spending too much money on upsells and added features that don’t do anything to increase your success.
If you’re creating profiles that aren’t much more than a list of qualities and interests, or you’re just picking the last 4 selfies from your camera reel and thinking they are good enough, it might be time to reassess. You are not only doing a poor job of introducing yourself to potential partners, and they can tell when they are reading a half-assed profile.
A good profile isn’t a list; it gives people a window into your life, so they can decide if they want to be a part of it. Photos need to be accurate, recent, and warm. No one cares what you looked like ten years ago, or what you look like when you are being serious or pondering the meaning of the universe. They are looking for someone who looks the same when they meet in real life, and who looks like they might add a bit of happiness and warmth to the equation.
If you’re not sure what to say or how to make your bio stand out, consider professional dating profile writing. A few small changes can completely change your results.
The Truth About Online Dating Success
Anyone who tells you online dating is an easy, quick fix to being single is lying. It is a great tool to meet people whom you aren’t crossing paths with in your daily life. It has the added benefit of giving you a chance to let people know a bit about you, and for you to learn a bit about them before you decide if you want to connect. I’ve seen it be the successful path for tons of my clients and friends to meet their partners, not to mention it is how I met my wife. But, whether you succeed on dating sites or burn out before you start the next great love story of your life, you have to take control.
If you’re ready to take control of your online dating experience, reach out to an online dating coach for personalized guidance. After twenty years helping clients master the world of dating apps, I know how to turn frustration into real-life connections. I’d love to help you in any way I can.
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