Why Dating Over 40 Feels So Different Now
It feels like the older we get, the harder it is to connect with other people. It doesn’t matter if you’re talking about just making new friends or trying to date. People seem a little more distant from each other than we remember, the rules of engagement are constantly changing, and sometimes it feels like it would be easier to just get a dog or cat and go live in the mountains. You aren’t wrong. Meeting and dating are a lot different from when you were in your 20s, but there are still tremendous opportunities for singles over 40 to connect romantically and platonically.
Let’s talk about the best dating apps for people over 40, the ones you should definitely avoid, a big safety tip to make sure your connection isn’t a scammer, and also one of my favorite ways to meet new friends over 40.
What are your dating goals?
A big part of online dating success is knowing what you want. Believe it or not, a lot of people either don’t know what they want or aren’t honest with themselves about it. Instead, they are either being driven by fear or pushing down their actual goals in favor of what they “think they can get.”
So, get out of your own way and be honest with yourself. Are you looking for something serious? Are you specifically looking for marriage? Are you really just looking to date casually, but you don’t want the pressures of a relationship? Depending on what you want, some dating sites and apps will help you reach your goals better than others.
If you’re dating casually, read our Best & Worst Dating Apps for Casual Connections.
Best dating sites
I’m not saying these are the only dating sites you should be using if you are over 40, but these are the ones I have seen to be the most successful.
Match.com
Match is the OG dating site. It’s been around since the late 90s, and it has lasted that long for a reason. When used correctly, it is still the best overall dating site for anyone over 40 looking for a serious relationship.
Match isn’t free to use, but you don’t necessarily want that on a serious dating site. If people aren’t willing to invest at least $20 in their love life, they probably aren’t that serious about meeting someone.
*Match Profile Tip:
Size matters… when it comes to profiles. If your profile is too short, it will feel like a Tinder profile, which is exactly what people come to Match to avoid. However, if it is too long, no one is going to want to read it. People are here to find their next great love, not to do homework. So, when it comes to your Match profile, aim for somewhere between 150 and 230 words. No matter what you do, never go over 300.
Hinge
Hinge is a very different kind of dating site; in fact, it isn’t even a site, it’s an app. You can only use Hinge on your phone, which is how 80% of people online date now. Hinge is a fast-moving app where you meet people by swiping through a carousel of matches. It might sound like Tinder, but it is much better. Unlike Tinder, you do not have to wait for someone to swipe back on you. Also, you won’t have to deal with a ton of profiles that have nothing written in them because all Hinge users must pick three prompts to answer.
So, what are the prompts? They are a list of around 120 conversation-starting statements from which you pick three to answer. Your answers are then interspersed between the six photos that you post to make up your complete profile. This format is excellent for jumpstarting conversation. It’s so good that several other apps are now copying it.
Who should join Hinge? I wouldn’t use it if you just want a casual connection, but anything from dating to see how it goes, up to serious relationship seekers, should give Hinge a shot. With that said, the app is best for people between 25-60, so anyone older than that may have trouble finding opportunities there.
*Hinge Profile Tip:
When you are choosing which prompts to answer, don’t worry about what you think people want to hear. Think about the ones you have an answer for that could best start a conversation. If you choose “best travel story,” but your answer just says “I went to Spain.” That’s not a travel story. That’s just a place you went. If your answer doesn’t create conversational opportunities, pick another prompt.
If you need some inspiration, check out the The Dos and Don’ts of Hinge Answers for Most Popular Prompts Part 1.
eHarmony
If Tinder is the hookup site, eHarmony is the matrimonial site. I generally only recommend eHarmony to people with a serious aim at finding someone to marry. Of all the sites listed, it also tends to be the one that leans the most socially conservative, though you will still find people from all backgrounds there.
Like Match, eHarmony requires a paid subscription before you can interact with any other members. It is also the most guided and curated experience of any dating app. That can be great for some people, but if you want full access to their database and a little more freedom of movement on the platform, it could become frustrating.
*eHarmony Profile Tip:
While eHarmony is a traditional dating site like Match, the profile format is very different. Instead of one main section where you can put whatever you like, there is an introduction, followed by several open-format questions. Each answer is limited to a maximum of 500 characters.
While filling out all of the questions shows that you are serious about finding someone, it is also a little overwhelming. If you write it all, they have to decide if they are going to read it all. And, when a profile is too long, many people just don’t bother. Instead, fill out the introduction + two or three of the questions that you think give people the best view into your life and personality.
Is Bumble Good for Singles Over 40?
Why Bumble, but not really? Honestly, it is a dating app that I’ve always been torn about. On one hand, it has one of the largest databases of potential daters of any dating site or dating app. On the other side, Bumble can be a toxic environment. Like Tinder, Bumble relies on a mechanic called “mutually-reliant swiping.” That means you both have to independently show interest in each other before communication is opened up.
A lot of people think that makes matching easier, but it can create huge problems. First, Bumble is laid out like a video game. You swipe through potential matches, and matches are rewarded with a pop-up on the screen. This creates a dopamine response in your brain similar to pulling the handle on a slot machine. This has created a culture where many people end up using the app for validation or just the entertainment value of the system. In the end, this means that many of your “matches” on Bumble are actually false alarms.
With that said, you can’t discount the value of Bumble’s population size or the fact that it has benefited from Tinder’s reputation of being a hook-up online dating app. I’ve seen people find everything from a casual connection to the love of their life on Bumble. You just have to be prepared to grind if you want to make it happen.
*Bumble Profile Tip:
You don’t have to write anything in your Bumble Profile. You can absolutely get away with just posting pics. However, that will severely limit your ability to get matches with high-quality singles. I would strongly recommend that you write a small bio (up to 250 characters). Don’t just make a list or post a line you read online that sounds clever. Give a couple of sentences that tell people about you and your life. It doesn’t have to be a lot, but you are giving people a taste of your personality.
Additionally, Bumble has optional prompts that you can include. Don’t waste the opportunity to use them. Look through the options and find a couple that you think would be a good jumping-off point for conversation. Sometimes, they can be an even bigger icebreaker than your profile.
Online Dating Safety Tips for Over 40
I’ve written a bunch of posts about online dating scams. You can read one here: guide to avoid dating scams. The thing I want to talk about today is social media. One of the easiest places for romance scammers to target you is on your social media account. It doesn’t matter if it’s something like Facebook, Instagram, or even more niche services like Truth Social. When you create a social media account, you are curating your life for almost anyone to see. That gives scammers a great way to do their research before introducing themselves to you.
If you get a sudden friend request or an unexpected DM from someone, you can’t tell if they are real. As with all online activities, nothing is real until you meet in person. Scammers are great at building trust and making you feel good, but they are an illusion. They have a million reasons why they can’t meet in person. Sometimes they are working a job out of the country (or on an oil rig) or serving in the military. Sometimes, they just claim to be going through a complicated time in their life, and they can’t meet yet, but they promise to make it worth your while if you are patient. Nope. Not real.
If a stranger initiates contact with you online, and you think there is a chance they might be real, there are only two things I would suggest to help prove that they are who they say.
Meet them in person. This is the only 100% way.
Live video chat. It could be FaceTime, Zoom, or Google Meet. Any of those options is fine. However, you want to set up some specific perimeters to make sure they aren’t pulling one over on you. It has to be a live chat, none of this recorded video message garbage. That is an absolute red flag. Also, ask them to video chat with you while going for a walk outside. Faking video when you are outdoors and in motion is much harder.
Where to Make New Friends Over 40 (Without Dating Apps)
Believe it or not, having a good platonic social life can enhance your dating life. The healthier your friend circle, the happier you will be. When you are happy, you make for a much better romantic partner. Also, having a strong social circle increases the number of people who might have the perfect friend in mind for you.
The big challenge is finding friends after 40. There has been a massive decrease in third spaces for people, especially after the pandemic. When you combine that with how online people have become, and more people are working remotely (i.e., alone at home), there are just fewer opportunities to make new friends.
My biggest trick for combating this is a website/app called MeetUp. It is a free-to-use directory of local groups that “meet up” based on shared interests. While it’s not as easy as walking up to someone in the playground like when we were kids, it helps break the ice by bringing together like-minded people.
There is one warning that I’ll give you about MeetUp. Avoid the groups that are specifically for singles. They tend to have a bit of a desperate vibe to them. Instead, stick to the groups that share your interests and use the platform to make friends.
Final Thoughts: Dating Over 40 Is Worth It
In the end, the hardest part about online dating in your 40s and over is putting yourself out there. The dating apps can be intimidating, the fear of rejection is daunting, and sometimes the available options can be disappointing, but that is the same as dating offline.
The difference is that online dating gives you a lot more control. You can go at your own pace, you can see how potential matches have chosen to present themselves, and you can interact with thousands more people than you ever could in person.
If you’re out there and you’re trying, you have already done the hardest part. If you’re struggling with meeting the right people or aren’t sure how to take that first step, give me a call. I’m happy to answer any of your questions or talk to you about what could be keeping you from meeting the next great love of your life!
